Learning to trust myself again

Written by Mandy Mercuri 
September 6, 2024 
An image of hands inter-twinned symbolising collaboration and trust

When you have a big decision....

....go into the bush!

I am sitting at a park bench scribbling this blog (later I am typing it up while waiting at basketball training and then, again at horse riding classes– I write in the cracks of life -  like a boss!). In the forest, listening to the shrieking chorus of cockies, feeling the gentle breeze cooling my cheeks that were warmed by the trek up a steep mountain path. I am feeling content.

I came out on this walk with a question. What should I do?

This blog is about trust. For many reasons, I have often found it hard to trust myself. Years of living with pain have left me lacking trust in my body – what it can and cannot do. When it will sustain me and when it will let me down. Lacking trust in my own ability to make decisions. There are two loud, annoying voices that squash that trust. My worrier voice is constantly asking ‘But, what if…?’ or ‘Is it the right thing to do?’ Then I have an incessant people pleasing voice who will want assurance of social acceptance. She desperately questions, ‘What will people think?’ and ‘What if they don’t like you?’

Okay, so I was juggling quite a lot of questions.

Where were my answers?

Sitting here in the forest, I recalled some wording from one of my favourite guided meditations by Jeff Warren on the Calm app – Don’t Know Mind.

 

 

a view into the deep forest, showing stems of many eucalypt trees and the understorey

Let me take you a few steps back from this moment.

I have been reading Wholehearted Confidence book by Fleur Chambers and loving it. In there, she lists some values for helping to uncover what is important to you. I have done some values work before (when I realised I needed to break up with the value of ‘achievement’). I had and still hold these values strongly in my heart whenever I am making tough decisions to check for alignment. Patience. Kindness. Love. Presence. But there was another word that jumped out at me from Fleur’s list. I think it is the first time I have ever seen this word expressed as a value.

Collaboration.

I have always been a people person (ask anyone who knows me!?) I love connecting people. A friend might say to me, ‘Oh I would love to start yoga.’ And before you know it, I have whipped out my phone and written an e-intro to another friend who is a yoga teacher. (In case you are wondering both Karen and Helena are my recommendations!) A friend might say, ‘My son is looking for a job,’ and I’ll zip off a text to my local green grocer to see if he is looking for anyone.

All my previous jobs have had some element of collaboration. In many of my feedback and performance reviews, this was often given to me as one consistent piece of positive feedback – ‘You are good at connecting people!’ This is a skill I know I have.

The question I took into the bush was whether to continue my plan to deliver the new Mindfulness for Pain Management course. I had started preparations - session outlines and facilitator notes, curating a detailed handbook and I had even started putting out some social media promotions. I have been playing around with creative ways to tweak the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program to include more of my own lived experience with pain, and the latest pain science and my recent learnings from my Pain Reprocessing Therapy  training. I knew it was going to be a huge undertaking but this is an area I am so passionate about – helping people living with pain to break free and get on the road to recovery. This is, in fact, one of the best things to recently come out of pain science – recovery from chronic pain is possible. No more of the 'good luck learning to live with that!' – evidence is now pointing to pain eradication not just reduction with management.

This big job was to be my sole focus for the coming months. Amongst my existing paid work with More Good Days, supporting my busy family and maintaining my ongoing mental and physical health.

You may recall my last blog was about letting go, about living to my values – spending more time on what was important to me. It was also about leaning into my need to rest, nourish and nurture during the winter months.

So, this ‘big job’ and, my ‘need for rest’ – well, this felt contradictory. Misaligned. Challenging and …well, somehow on the edge of ‘too much’.

The other thing I reflected upon was that my new course was similar to work already happening within my network by some colleagues. Perhaps there was an opportunity for collaboration? Did I need to go it alone and try to figure this all out by myself? Perhaps there was even the possibility of greater impact if I was able to link up with others and collaborate.

My mum was always a fan of a pros and cons list.

Working with others or going it alone? On the ‘going it alone’ side – I was struggling to find the pros. If I was honest with myself (and hey, I always try to be and it is difficult to pull the wool over your own eyes!), I think ego might have been driving this option. Could there have been a little of the “look at me” monster pushing for this option? Proving myself? Maybe.

I want more time to be able to embed all my learnings. I’ve been on a rollercoaster of MBSR training, PRT training, my brain is pretty fried. Giving myself time for these new ideas and practices to really land and settle. I wanted to prepare without the rushing and pushing, I wanted more ease.

I was also quite clear, changing my mind was not about doubt. I was not doubting I could do it. I actually am wholeheartedly confident (see, Fleur, I am learning!) that I can do it. I felt like the doubt I was having was doubting how I would do it. Rushing and pushing did not feel in alignment.

Taking more time, resting a little and easing off a bit was going to be a service to those I was to support. I brought to mind the group of people I want to work with. People living with debilitating chronic pain, I know I can and will make a difference...in time and also in collaboration.

If I don’t do it my own way, how can I encourage other people to find their own way? To trust their bodies, trust their choices?

In truth, maybe nature did help me find an answer. Those reflections on collaboration came to me while I was in the forest. Walking, looking about me in wonder, listen to the screeching cockies, the rustling leaves in the wind and the squelching of mud beneath my shoes. I was a part of the glorious web of nature, always interconnected.

Yeah, maybe I was thinking more of the anthropocentric version of collaboration but I thought of Thích Nhất Hạnh’s glorious word - Interbeing.

We are all linked, part of complex internal and external systems and there is so much goodness that comes from collaborating, seeking connection and ways in which we are the same rather than ways we are different. Awareness helped me find the stands linking it all together.

And, now, after this reflecting and pausing, I am thrilled to announced that I am collaborating with the Australian Centre for Mindfulness and Compassion to deliver a new course they have recently developed. I am so grateful to Dr Adele Stewart and Timothea Goddard for developing this program and giving me the opportunity to be involved.

From Pain to Peace - Mindfulness practice and science to transform your pain – an 8-week active treatment for chronic pain which integrates the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction course, with the most up-to-date neuroscience about pain and how to transform it. Come join me?

Live-online | with Mandy Mercuri | Fridays 10:00 am - 12:30 pm (AEDT) | Starts 18th October

For more information and to book, click here!

I'm Mandy Mercuri

I'm here to help. I'm a mindfulness coach that can help you on your own mindfulness journey, to work through the challenges life throws us.
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©2023-2024 Mandy Mercuri.
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I acknowledge the Traditional Owners of the unceeded lands where I work and live, the Wurundjeri People of the Kulin Nation. I recognise their enduring connection to the lands, waters and culture. There is so much we can learn from them about being present and walking mindfully through Country and life. I pay my respects to Elders past and present. There has been and remains prejudice and ignorance, including my own, yet I look forward to the future where our great nation is strengthened and grounded by Voice, Treaty and Truth.
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