A day off.
I had my standard, unrealistically long ‘to-do’ list prepared. I stared at the list for a long time and took no action. I felt queasy, frozen in procrastination...and the uncomfortable gravitational pull of a downward spiral. The overwhelm vortex.
I sat with the discomfort and got curious – What’s going on right now? Turning inward, I noticed rapid heart rate and realised I had travelled a bit beyond overwhelm into a familiar shame spiral – feelings of doubt, unworthiness, disappointment – like I was dropping balls and letting everyone down – including myself.
I could have continued on my downward trajectory but, this time, I chose to take a different path.
I took myself off for a self-compassion R.A.I.N. meditation. I recognised the feelings, allowed them to be there. I reminded myself that it makes sense to feel this way– my plate seemed full and overflowing. As I began to investigate how these feelings were showing up in my body, I noticed so much tension everywhere – in my shoulders, jaw, throat. My scalp itched - a sure sign of stress – as my psoriasis was getting triggered. All these sensations were messages from my body. All the signs were pointing towards a need to respond. Not to react. Not to ignore it and power though regardless. Just to respond. So, I asked myself, how can I nurture myself in this moment? What do I need right now that will be nourishing?
When delivering the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) course, I often share this quote from Anne Lamott. Was my extreme "to-do" list pushing me towards suffering?
Yes, definitely.
Firstly, I can start by letting go of all the judgements and critical self-talk. Aahh, sweet relief. The tensions eased with that one decision. I opted instead for a befriending attitude and offered myself a few more encouraging statements”
‘Hey dude, you’re a human being, not a human doing!’
‘Let go of the list, mate, and just take some time for yourself!’
Next, I called out to my furry friend – Max, the lovable but slow-witted spaniel. ‘Walkies!’ Outside, in nature, without headphones or distractions, just mindfully observing. Feeling the fresh cool air, marvelling at the colourful changing leaves, listening to the tenderness in the joints (I had twisted my knee over the weekend – perhaps another little bit of evidence that the body needs a rest!?).
On our return, snuggled under a pillowy mess of blankets, I reached out to a dear friend – just a quick text that I knew she would understand – something about feeling like I was dropping balls. In fact, the very act of reaching out eased more tension. I rested back into the warmth and ease of our friendship. I know she loves me irrespective of my current messy state. I was confident she would understand. She rang me immediately.
We have had countless similar conversations. One or the other of us at the receiving end of a desperate call or text laced with tears of frustration and overwhelm. Amid the suffering of unmet expectations! After listening and supporting me, she offered an analogy about juggling too many balls. She reminded me that there will always be times when, with too many competing priorities on our time - multiple balls, responsibilities, roles and tasks, balls get dropped. Any delicate balance we may have had suddenly teeters towards collapse.
She said to me, ‘Only drop the balls that bounce. Not the ones made of glass’.
The glass balls represent the tasks, people, responsibilities that really matter to us. The ones that need to be protected at all costs. We will always have a few balls in the mix that are a bit more flexible, that will bounce back.
I have two glass balls. My family and my health.
These were the glass balls that needed nurturing and my focused attention. The other stuff was superfluous and could wait. I could drop the other stuff.
These glass balls, I am ashamed to admit, often get taken for granted. While I know they are important to me, I often find myself putting all these other things first – work commitments, friends and random strangers, appointments that can easily be rescheduled. It was time to let go for a while. If I manage only to look after myself and spent quality time with my family, that is enough. I could slash that list back and it would make no difference. The world would spin on. And after resting and nourishing my 'glass balls' (behave!), I would be able to continue spinning as well.
Even this blog, my newsletter, all the things I have been planning for my business. There are times when that too, needs to be gently placed aside for a while. It will bounce back. My rush and push and drive can sometimes get caught up in a whirlwind of activity and sweep quickly beyond my energy levels, my capability, my availability and take over.
Perhaps I had been grasping to an idea – an expectation. A sense of achievement, chasing some dream of how I wanted to be. And maybe that strong grip was not helpful in that moment. I had to release my hold, let it go.
The glass balls matter. Do not let them fall. So, for now, I am prioritising those. Family fun time, yoga and meditation and rest. I welcome in the winter by offering myself the permission and space to nourish myself in the ways I need.
And eventually, yes, I did return to that massive ‘to-do’ list. I crossed out a bunch of things. I willingly let some balls drop. I had to experience this tiptoe into overwhelm to realise it, but it is okay sometimes to let things go.
They will bounce back when I am ready to juggle once more.
Need a little help? Check out my recent Insight Timer guided meditation on Letting Go
